Could you look at the rough draft of my poem?

This is a really nice and original idea, but the poem itself seems kind of soulless, no offense. You put to much time into rhyming it. I think you should close your eyes and really start thinking of images for your poem. And let your mind wander and guide your hand across the page. That can be a brainstorm, until you finally have all your ideas together. Then, you can start putting it into stanzas (though by that time rhyming might actually kill the rhythm of your heart.)